Pacey Witter. Town screw up. Ne’er do well. Well look at me now. Living up to the reputation that was formed for me before I could speak. My father always used to call me scum. I always promised myself I would be better than he was. Yeah… and I’m having an affair after thirteen months of marriage. Marriage was a mistake. She was my editor. I guess I’ve always had a thing about people who have power over me. And I don’t love her. The sex was good, and I got muddled up. It’s Dawson’s fault. He asked me when I’d propose, and I thought it was the proper thing to do. It wasn’t. I wake up every morning and wish that I was in her bed, not ours. I’d be happier with her.

I finish my dinner and sit back in my chair, feeling full. Unfortunately, that means taking my hand off her leg. I can still feel her warmth though. It’s a heat that she admits, a radiance that draws everybody in. There’s something about Joey. There always has been. It’s drawn in many guys, and yet she only lets a few close. And everyday I wonder at the way she’s let me in closer than Dawson. And most of the time, closer than Max.

I don’t love her. I use her. She’s a passionate woman, quite different from my staunch wife. I’ve always had a fascination with Joey Potter; right from the days when the virginal Ice Queen went out all those months with her ‘soul-mate’, yet never slept with him. I’ve always wanted to find out if she’s capable of being dirty. She was a conquest; one that I’ve made and will eventually let go. She’s just ended her marriage; I can see it in her eyes. And soon, I’ll walk away from her, leaving her with nothing.

That’s not true. I wish it were.

The truth is that I’m in love with her. I’ve never said it, never admitted it before now. We share an intimacy as well as a bed. We sneak around like lovesick teenagers and we commit adultery together. But we’ve never discussed it. I don’t know if she’s in love with me. I’m too scared to ask. We’re both married, so it’s not something that we can talk about with other people. But if she and Max are over, where does that leave me? I can’t expect Joey to be alone while I go through the motions of having a happy marriage. And people are going to want to know why Joey’s split with her husband. I’ll have to leave Sue. I don’t want to hurt her, but I’ve been stringing her along for long enough. But are Joey and I ready to weather the storm that would follow? Capeside’s not exactly kind to people who have affairs despite the huge number of people doing it. Most people do in private. I don’t know if I want us to go through the arguments.

How did this all start?

Alcohol. I’m ashamed to admit it. It’s not that we were drunk and didn’t know what we were doing. It just helped things along. Sue was still living in Washington during the week – I’d relocated to Capeside, and she was coming two months later. She had a longer contract than I did. Max was in England on business. We were both lonely, so we called the gang together to go out one night. We’re still young, and Joey felt like dancing. So we went to a nightclub. We were on our fifth round by the time we decided we were too old for this. Joey had stayed sober, sticking to the cokes after her first drink. So she drove us all back to her place. After that, the evening blurred into a game of dice shots. You roll two dice. You then guess if the next one’s going to be higher or lower. If you’re wrong, you have a shot of whatever liquor you can find. Joey kept rolling eleven’s and then guessing it would be higher. Needless to say, we were all very drunk by the time we’d finished off Joey’s alcohol cabinet. The others all live near Joey, so they staggered off, singing at the top of their voices. My house is on the other side of town, and I was far too drunk to get there. Joey said I could stay the night at hers.

Later, we sat on the floor of her living room drinking black coffee. I challenged her to a game of truth or dare. I expected her to roll her eyes or hit me. Instead, she agreed. She picked truth. I asked her if she was happy. She shook her head sadly. It turned out that her approaching thirtieth birthday had caused her to evaluate her life. And she’d realised that she had got married to early. She still wanted to experiment, while most people our age were settling down with kids. She began to cry, and I hugged her. It was the closest we’d been for years, since she and Dawson had split up before junior year. I smelt her hair tentatively. She still used the same coconut shampoo. She heard me sniff, and pulled away, looking confused. I chose dare. She dared me to kiss her. I did. It was a tender brushing of lips, but my heart stopped beating. When I pulled away, I could feel throbbing in my ears. She started to giggle. I joined in. We both lay on the floor, giggling hysterically. I lay on my front beside her. She was on her back, and her navel was showing from under the cropped top she was wearing. I reached out and put my hand on her soft, flat abdomen.

She smiled, but stopped laughing. I walked my fingers over the warm skin. Then I popped a finger under the waistband of her skirt. I looked up at her, and she nodded. We kissed - a passionate clash of teeth and tongues. I rolled on top of her and before long, we were naked, our limbs and torsos entwined. She used a coil. I’d only ever used condoms before. It was the most sensual sex I’ve ever had.

We’ve done it many times since. We’ve never discussed the fact that we’re cheating on our spouses. We share an intimacy, secrets and the sensation of being in love.

Sometimes, I feel like telling everybody. But I like it being our secret. I’ll talk to her later, and find out what’s going on. But I know two things.

One – I love her more than anything else in the world.

Two – Dawson would kill me if he found out.

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