Letting Go by: Holly and Jenny


Author's Note: Well, all good things must come to an end. Jenny and I have immensly enjoyed writing this series, which is very personal. We want to thank everyone who has read it, but were ready to wrap it up and work on our other series. Thank you so much everyone who has written to support us. You are invaluable.

Rating: God, like a PG. Very tame.

Dedication: To anyone who knows how it feels to know this personally.

Letting Go

"Yes," the doctor heaved a sigh of relief, as well as with the rest of the waiting room. "Andie came through the surgery alright. We were able to repair the damage done and she's stable. In fact, she should be waking up soon." The doctor looked around expectantly at the group of teenagers and two adults, who all looked immensly relieved. Dr. Reynolds continued, "Because of the circumstances surrounding Andie's coming here and the fact that neither one of her parents could be here, I've called someone from our pyschiatric unit to come down and speak to her, when she's ready." Jack spoke up from his chair.

"She sees someone.. Dr. Kar-- Karven. Yeah, that's it."

Dr. Reynolds nodded briskly. "I'll let Physc know." She started to leave, when Pacey spoke up from his own personal hell.

"Thank you," he whispered. The doctor stopped and nodded.

"You're welcome." She cleared her throat, "You can see her now, one at a time." Dr. Reynolds left the room and Jen said, "Oh, thank God!" She paused. "I can't believe I just said that.." Bill gripped her hand harder and she smiled, looking at him.

Mrs. Leery turned to Mitch. "I'm going to stay here with Jack and Pacey," she said. "Why don't you take the rest of them home?" Mitch nodded and rounded up his teens.

He rolled his eyes as they all gave Pacey, Jack, and even Doug hugs. "Little Bo Peep thought she had problems with her sheep," he groaned. Finally the five of them had left and Pacey looked over to Jack.

"I am so, so sorry," he said, tears brimming at his eyes. Jack looked at him and nodded, finding tears welling in his own eyes.

"I know," he said hoarsly. "It wasn't just your problems, Pacey. Andie has a lot of problems, you know that. She's a strong girl, but a human being can only take so much pain in her life. She just hit a breaking point. I--I can't do this yet. You see her first.." His voice broke as Doug pulled him in for a hug. Gayle put her hand to her mouth, upset at all the pain she saw around her.

Pacey stared straight ahead at nothing. "All right," he said finally.

* * * *

Walking into the hospital room, the first thing that Pacey noticed was all of the machines. A large hunk of plastic was attached to Andie's thumb and led to a blipping heart machine. Oxygen tubes were attached to her nose, and a saline drip was inserted into her arm.

Pacey choked on bile rising from his stomach as he looked at her face. Obviously, Dr. Reynolds had decided at some point to try to flush out her system with charcoal. Her nose had black smudges surrounding it and her mouth area was all red. Andie's face had taken on a shallow tint, almost translucent. He could tell her body was worn and spent.

"Andie.." Pacey gulped down a huge breath trying to control his urge to vomit. What had he done to the woman he loved? "Are you awake?" he asked softly. He took her small hand into his large one and gripped it for dear life. Slowly, Andie opened her eyes and looked into his. In them he saw something he had never seen before when she looked at him-- fear.

"Andie, oh, god, Andie, this wasn't supposed to happen. I love you," Pacey whimpered. "You're not supposed to be afraid of me, of all people, hurting you."

Andie looked into his eyes. Mustering up the little strength she felt in her worn body, she turned her head and removed her hand from Pacey's. Her hoarse voice croaked out words that Pacey did not want to hear.

"Get out of here, Pacey." Her voice was oddly forceful, even though it was from a dry, cracked mouth. "Just stay away from me." Pacey dropped his eyes. He began to stand and then thought of something he had to say.

"I am sorry that I did this to you, McPhee. I know I swore I would never hurt you, and I am so sorry... I love you." With that Pacey turned and walked out of Andie McPhee's life.

Andie choked back and sob, and then another and another, until finally she was crying all out hysterically for her lost love, for her pain, for the feeling that she wasn't worth the oxygen she used. She had just told the one person who had hurt her the most, and the one person who had loved her the most, to leave. And now she hurt worse than ever.

"Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breath in.

"Andie?" A couple of minutes later, she heard a knock at the door and her brother's voice. Jack had spoken to Pacey for only a moment. All Pacey had said was, "She doesn't want me here." And then he had left the hospital.

Andie, turned, tear stains on her cheeks, and still trying to be brave, she tried to hide the fact she'd been crying.

"Oh, Andrea," Jack walked over, tears beginning to stream down his own face. He held her in his arms. "why didn't you tell me how badly you were hurting?" She hiccuped and began to sob again.

"I didn't want to worry you," she said pittifuly.

I still recall the words you said to me
It's what you did not say that set's me free
Now how can I find peace of mind
When you keep coming back again
It's not okay, for you to play
This game of see saw with my head
Now it hurts to much
And it hits too hard
And I won't play this part.

Pacey kicked a rock in the parking lot outside the hospital building two days later. Andie was coming home tonight and he wanted so badly to be able to walk into that hospital room and help her home. He wanted to put her to bed, cover her up to her chin with her fluffy comforter and lie there with her until she fell asleep. He wanted to make it all better. He had heard second hand from Dawson that Andie's father had indeed come from Providence for a few days, but was leaving again once he saw Andie settled at the house. Some sort of business trip. Pacey snorted. He may have almost killed Andie, but at least he wanted to care for her.

Don't call me
Don't write
Don't show up in the Middle of the night
You know that we needed
Some time and space to breathe in.
Don't call me,
Don't write,
Don't show up in the middle of the night,
To say that you've been thinking,
Cause I know it's just the drink in you.

Andie lay down on her bed. Doug had driven her and Jack home from the hospital. Her mom, confused over where Andie had been, wouldn't stop touching her face. Finally, Jack had to lead their mom to bed. Then he had helped Andie upstairs. Now, as she lay on the bed looking up at him, he leaned in the doorway.

"Andie, there isn't any medication in your bathroom. I locked yours and mom's up.. please don't--"

Andie interrupted, "it's okay, Jack. I know Dr. Kervan recommended that you do that."

"Okay," Jack tried to be cheerful. "You sure you don't want anything? Doug made some fabulous lasagna.."

"No," Andie smiled. "I'm really not hungry, Jack. You and Doug should eat it though. And spend some time together. You've really only gotten to be together at the hospital." Jack smiled and started to turn.

"You're sure your going to be okay?" he asked.

"Jack!" Andie groaned. "All I'm going to do is sit up here." Jack nodded and walked away, as Andie continued her sentence out of his ear shot. "And mope about how I've sent away one of the few people who actually loved me." Andie turned in her bed and looked at her nightstand. There was a picture of her and Pacey that had been taken only a few weeks before. She was smiling, but he was looking down at her seriously. She remembered how Dawson had been snapping the picture when Andie had looked up and said "god, I love you, Pacey." He was saying "I love you, too," when Dawson snapped the picture, which accounted for the serious look. Andie picked up the picture, her hands trembling.

"This is best," she whispered to her frozen ex lover. "I'm setting you free."

So now I say the things I want to say
Sometimes its better letting go this way
I'll always know down in my soul
We really had so far to go
I gave it all I had to give
Now it's time for me to live
And I won't look back
And I won't regret
Though it hurts like hell
Some day I will forget.
Don't call me,
Don't write,
Don't show up in the middle of the night,
You know we need some time and space to breathe in
To say that you've been thinking,
Cause I know it's just
It's funny how we seem to end up here
I never thought I'd see this soul disapear
Don't call me,
Don't write,
Don't show up in the middle of the night,
You know we needed some time and space to breathe in. And this letting go,
And this letting go,
This letting go,
And this is letting go
Don't call me
Don't write,
Don't show up in the middle of the night
You know we needed some time and space to breath in."

Suddenly she heard a noise at her bedroom door. Pacey stood there with sterling roses, her favorite kind of flower.

"What if I don't want to be set free, McPhee?" Andie looked up him shocked. What she wanted was to be in his arms, what she did was make herself look angry.

"What the Hell are you doing here? I told you to stay away." She looked into his eyes harshly. Pacey ignored this.

"Well," he sat down on her edge of the bed, after placing the roses on her desk, "Here's how I figure it, Ms. McPhee," She rolled her eyes. Great, he was in super turbo theory mode. She really couldn't do this. "You need me, Andie. Your so afraid of being a burden, that you push me away. You think that if you tell me how much you need help, then I'll get sick of it all eventually and end it. That's what you thought was happening with Tamara.." Andie turned her face away from him, but Pacey, gently yet firmly, grasped her by the chin, and made her look in his eyes. "But it wasn't Andie. Look into my eyes. Can't you see the love that I have for you? It's so much stronger than any ex-girlfriend or mental illness. I love you, Andrea McPhee. And you will never, ever be a burden on me. Tamara was a friend in need of help, just like Dawson could be, just like Joey could be. But that's it. It's you I love Andie, no matter what's going on in that head of yours."

By this time Andie was sniffing so hard, she could barely breath. Her throat was tight as she tried to hold back the tears. "Well, that was quite a mouthful, Officer Pacey," she tried to joke.

"I learned from the master, little missy," A moment passed of silence before Andie threw herself into his arms. Tears came out fast from both of them. Pacey held her as tight as he could, terrified to let go. She let herself curl up in the warmth of his sweater, and the strength of his arms.

Pacey kissed the top of her head. "Andie, when you were lying in that hospital, I was so scared I'd lose you. Please, don't ever try to leave me again, McPhee. I think I'd die without you. Promise me?" Andie pulled back and nodded.

"I promise Pacey."

"Good," he nodded and held her until she fell asleep, stroking her hair gently. He lay her down on the bed and stared at her.

"I'm going to marry you some day, Andrea." He turned and slowly walked out the door. Andie opened one eye, smiled to herself and turned over to snuggle with one of her stuffed bears.

"He's going to marry me," she said aloud and laughed before really going to sleep.

"Did you ever love somebody
So much that the earth moved,
Did you ever love somebody,
Even thought, it hurt to,
Did you ever love somebody,
Nothing else but her could do
Did you ever love somebody
Who never knew?

Two weeks later, Dawson, Joey, Andie and Pacey were watching movies on Dawson's bed. Pacey had his arms around Andie and Joey was leaning against Dawson's shoulder. Pacey stroked his girlfriend's hair tenderly.

As Pacey and Andie stared intently at the screen, Dawson turned to Joey and asked her a question softly in her ear. "Well, what do you think?"

Joey looked up and smiled, nodding, "Their going to be okay Dawson. They're going to be fine." Dawson grinned back and whispered in her ear once more.

"And us?"

Joey looked into his eyes. "We're going to be great." She said assuredly. He leaned in and kissed her. Pacey looked over.

"Well," he said, "If we're turning this into a make out party..." He leaned down and kissed Andie. The two couples sat with each other and knew that they would all be fine.

"Did you ever lay your head down
On the shouldere of a girlfriend
And then had to look away somehow
And to hide the way you felft from them
Have you ever prayed the day would come
You would hear them say it to
Did you ever love someone who never knew
I did
You did
Well you know I understand
I could, I would
More than anybody can
Did you ever love somebody
So much that the earth moved
Did you ever love somebody
Even thought it hurt to
Did you ever love somebody
Nothing else but her could do
Did you ever love somebody
Like I love you."

They all finally understood that love isn't about taking, it's about giving. And they all began to understand what Humphrey Bogart meant when he said "This could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship."

They all finally had someone, even Jack. Now wasn't the time for the end of something, no. It was the beginning of everything.

THE END! We are soo soo sorry it took so long to get this one out. We really apologize, but with me writing the This Woman's Work series and having to try to keep up with my real life, in which I act a lot, and Jenny being so involved with her music, things have been really hectic. Thank you so much for everyone who wrote to support us. It's unbelievably appreciated. Read my series "This Woman's Work" and be on the lookout for Jenny's new series "A New Beginning." It also involves someone from the past and it's going to be a doozy! Ciao!


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