A Satire by: Holly

Authors Note and Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing here. I know NONE of these people. I love W B shows and have even been nicknamed by friends “A WB girl.” I just thought this would be funny and pop culture. I have nothing but respect for all of these people: Kevin Williamson, Brenda Hampton, Aaron Spelling, the Cast of 90210, Katie Holmes, James Van Der Beek, Beverly Mitchell, Keri Russell, Sarah michelle Gellar, David Boreanez, Alyssa Milano, Holly Marie Combs, Allyson Hannigan, and Shannen Dougherty. I think you are all amazing in your respective fields and if for any reason any of you should stumble upon this and be offended please email me and I will have it taken down.

Joey climbed through the window to the bedroom. Dawson’s bedroom. The one place in the world that she felt safe. The one place she belonged, wholy. She knew here she could find solace in the normalcy of a movie night.

“Hey Dawson!” She peeked her head through the curtains. “What’s happening?” Dawson grinned and turned to hear the voice of his current squeeze.

“Not much.”

“What’s on the planner for tonight?” Joey flopped onto the bed, looking up at him questioningly. He sat down beside her and gave the bad news.

“Rerun hell.” He joked.

“Don’t tell me you forgot the movies,” Joey groaned.

“Okay, I won’t tell you.” Joey hit him with a pillow.

“But hey,” he said. “There’s always the television.”

“I guess,’ Joey mumbled. Dawson hit the on button of the remote. On came an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

“Heeeey.. Buffy..” Said Dawson appreciativly as Buffy kicked the ass of what appeared to be a large snake.

Very large.

Suddenly a whizzing sound came out of the television. Dawson and Joey snapped their heads to see a very confused girl standing by them.

“Uh, excuse me. I must be getting wiggy or something. Where is the snake?” Dawson looked back to the TV. The snake was now devouring Sunnydale.


Willow looked hopelessly on as the snake devoured friends and family alike. Where the heck was Buffy? Only she could deal with this! Willow just sat there and read books.

“Who the hell are you?” asked Buffy, getting more and more upset. “Wait! You look really familiar! I know you! Your James and Katie from Dawson’s Creek. How the hell did I get to Wilmington from Sunnydale?”

“Wilmington?” Dawson and Joey looked at each other. “never heard of it,” said Dawson. “What we want to know is how you got here from the WB backlot in Culver City, California…?” Dawson asked suspiciously.

“Culver City? No, I live in Sunnydale. I’m.. well, you guys are actors so I can probably trust you, I slay vampires.”

“Actors? Were just two sixteen year olds with raging hormones and ridiculous vocabularies…” All of a sudden a man in black was standing next to Buffy.

“Angel!” Said Buffy.

“Buffy, the snake is devouring all of Sunnydale. We have to get back soon!”

“Hey!” Joey spoke up. “I thought you were in LA now..”

“No, not yet…” Angel looked at her questioningly.“How would you know that? Hey, aren’t you that girl from Dawson’s Creek?”

“I ask you again,” Dawson said exasperated, “What the hell is Dawson’s Creek? I don’t own a creek! And why are you guys standing here when you should be taping that TV show of yours?”

“I knew actors were strange people, and not even being a person myself, I thought I shouldn’t judge, but you two really take the cake.” Angel said.

Dawson was about to scream when another person mystically appeared in the room.

“Ben, Noel?” Felicity Porter looked around her odd surroundings. Where was she? Of course, she wouldn’t recognize Dawson’s room, because as a busy college student she got virtually no time to watch television. However, since Dawson and Joey never did anything with their time except complain, make up and break up constantly, they recognized her immedeatly.

“Hey,” said Joey. “IT’s that chick, Keri Russell, whose on that show with the guy who looks like Cliff Elliot.”

“Great,” said Dawson, running his hand through his hair exasperated. “ My room is full of television stars. Hey, do any of you know Steven Spielburg..?”

Felicity looked at him oddly and turned to Buffy and Angel.

“Hey!” She said. “Your David Boreanez. My little cousin loves you!”

Angel turned to her and looked at her darkly. “Excuse me?”

“Yeah, from that show. Um, Biffy the Vampire Slayer..!”

“My name is Buffy and how did you know I am a vampire slayer?”

“The entire teenage nation knows that.”

Buffy groaned and punched the wall so hard a hole was made. “I bet it was that damn reporter from the Sunnydale Times.”

“Hey, listen. I don’t know what is going on here, but I’m due to work at Dean and Deluca in like twenty minutes so if you could just tell me where I am..”

“Capeside,” said Joey, at the same time that Buffy said, “Wilmington.”

“Okay, that was coherent,” said Felicity. “Listen, this isn’t funny! Did Noel tell you to do this? I told him I was sorry for sleeping with that guy. VERY FUNNY, NOEL!”

“Huh?” Said Dawson. “You mean Scott Foley?”

“Scott, who?”

Just then, someone else appeared in the room. Mark Paul Gosslear straightened the tie and suit he was wearing.

“Hey!” Said Dawson. “It’s the Saved By The Bell guy!”

“Excuse me?”

“You played Zack on Saved By The Bell!”

“Um, no,” he said. “ I run a successful computer business in a place called Hyperion Bay.”

“No way, boy,” said Buffy. “That show bit, no pun intended. One of the vampires I slayed yesterday used to make his victims watch it for torture.”

“What are you talking about?”

“You know,” said Dawson. “You and Carmen Electra. Before that, on SBTB you had Tiffani Amber Theissen. You always get the hot chicks..” He received an elbow in the ribs for this.

“James… James … JAMES!” screamed Buffy. Sighing she yelled, “DAWSON!”

“Whu—“ Dawson turned to her.

“Look, Mr. Van Der Beek, Ms. Holmes, James, Katie, Dawson, Joey, whatever, this has been lovely, but I really need to get back to Sunnydale and kick some ass, so if you could just—“

Suddenly a scream came from the other side of the room. Lucy Camden stood there, covering her ears.

“Don’t say that word!” She yelled.

“Oh, look,” said Joey scathingly, “It’s the slut.”

“What?” Lucy looked around confused.

“You. Well, your character. First your with that nice guy, Jimmy. Nice, kinda strange. Then it was mustache guy.. hot Rod. Yeah, that’s it. And THEN it was that other guy, Andrew Keegan’s friend,”

Lucy looked confused. “Andrew Keegan?” Joey shrugged.

“Fine, have it your way. Wilson’s friend. AND then it was that other one. The one “Mary” started liping with.”

Lucy’s eyes began to well up.

“Oh, stop it you baby,” said Dawson. “My girlfriend broke up with me eight times this year.” He put his arm around Joey. “She just had to find herself. Believe me she knows herself a lot better than I’ve gotten to know her, if you know what I mean..”

“No.” said Lucy, looking confused. She paused, before she gasped. “Your those guys from that show, the one were not supposed to watch.” Dawson was about to protest, when Felicity jumped in.

“OH, oh God, oh no, oh God…” “I have a meeting with my proffesor of chemistry right after I work at the coffee shop. I’m going to be late!”

“Relax, Keri,” Said Dawson. “It’s not a real college.”

“The pressures finally gotten to me. Between Ben, and Noel and art guy, and chemistry and that madman professor, my parents, Javier, marriage proposals, date rapes, biological mothers, gambling problems, weird inventions, stalkers, and midterms, worst of all, I’ve cracked.” She laughed a little insanely. “I’m standing here with television characters.” She continued to laugh oddly until three other people appeared into the room. Piper made an astute comment to the affect of “Toto, I don’t think were in Salem anymore.”

“Huh?” Pru shook her head. “Hey, you, Preacher girl, where the hell are we?” Lucy turned. “Yeah,” Pru nodded. “You look the most sane out of this group.” As Pru said this Pheobe looked around in wonder.

“James Van Der Beek and Katie Holmes,” she pointed to Dawson and Joey. “Sarah Michelle Gellar and David Boreanez,” she said spinning to face Buffy and Angel. “Beverly Mitchell,” she smiled in recognition at Lucy. “Mark Paul Gosslear,” she face the man in the suit. “And,” she spun around once again, “The chic from Malibu Shores.”

“Malibu?” Felicity asked.

“Is that all you do all day, Pheobe?” asked an angry Pru. “Watch TV?”

“Oh, please..” retorted Pheobe. “You know you have a thing for Luke Perry.”

“UM, excuse me!” Dawson yelled over the voices. “ I would just like to say, my name is Dawson Leery and this is my girlfriend Joey. As for the rest of you, I think you have all taken a temporary leave of sanity!” “Shut up movie boy, or we’ll put a spell on you!”

“ Angel and I could take you all! Beware of splinters!”

“What’s wrong with you people!? Don’t you have any parents?”

“Oh, oh.. so many responsibilities, so many responsibilities…”

The arguing continued and continued as from some secret confined place, happy men and a woman in suits looked on.

“Didn’t I tell you this would work guys? We get all of our characters in one place and POW! Biggest ratings ever.” Kevin Williamson smiled.

“Yes, I just have to feel slightly bad for them, poor things. With us brainwashing them and all,” Brenda Hampton said sadly.

“Yes,” Said Aaron Spelling. “It’s a pity they couldn’t act well enough to pull it off without us warping their minds.”

“Yes,” Said Kevin. “It is. Oh, well. Off to write my next horror film.”

“I should go, too. Some of the actors on 90210 are so old, they are being monitored for cardiac arrest. I should really go make sure none of them have needed to be rescusitated today.”said Aaron.

The three walked off, leaving the monsters they had created to duel it out.

“I am Dawson Leery!”

“NO way! No one in real life could ever be that passive!”

Email Holly


Back to Holly's Stories | Back to Fan Fiction | Back to the Main Page

This page has been visited times.