Go ahead and cry now
Just give into the madness
The only way to feel your joy
Is first to feel your sadness…
All of the happiness you seek
All of the joy for which you pray
Is closer than you think
It's just 100 tears away"
-'100 Tears Away', Vonda Shepard
It was raining cats and dogs by the time she touched down in New York and the rain didn't let up on the one-hour journey back to the apartment. Having made a mad dash for shelter indoors from where the cab stopped her, she wiped her face and shook her coat of water droplets.
She was expecting to come home to an empty apartment so it was quite a bit of a surprise as she turned the key in its lock and opened the door, only to be met by the sight of him seated on the armchair deep in his thoughts.
"Greg, what are you doing home?"
He looked up from his hands and smiled but it never quite reached his eyes. "It's time for that talk," he said.
*****
The first and only time she told him about Pacey, she said that he was an old friend and didn't elaborate on how much he had meant to her. Greg deserved the truth now.
"Were you in love with him?"
"Excuse me?"
"It's a simple question, Joey."
"Yes, I was."
"Are you in love with him?"
She took a deep, silent breath before answering. "Yes."
He shut his eyes and kept them closed. When he opened them again, Joey was all prepared for whatever he might say to her that stemmed from being hurt and deceived.
"We lost each other somewhere along the way." His tone was even, his demeanor composed. "Somehow we've become more like friends than lovers."
She hadn't been prepared for him to admit that openly.
"I still love you but I don't want to be someone that a girl-," he broke off, holding her gaze, "-settles for."
The torrent of feelings combined - guilt, relief, gratitude, love and admiration for the man before her - left her lower lip quivering and her eyes moist.
"This is going to be the main course at the gossip tables for awhile."
"I'm sorry."
"Don't worry, I've been the subject of scandal before." he joked, "I'm used to it." His weak laugh died down and he added seriously, "I'll tell my parents that the wedding's off. Mother will take care of everything."
"Thank you," she replied, quietly standing up. "I'll pack a bag for the night and I'll be by tomorrow to pick up the rest of my things." Sliding off the ring on her finger, she handed it to him.
He took it without looking at her and nodded his head in agreement.
She was packed and nearly out the doorway when she turned back. She had been afraid that Greg would recoil from her touch if she reached to hug him but she took a chance.
His gesture was hesitant; he kept one hand by his side but he touched her hair lightly in return with the other.
Her heart warmed at his reaction and she pulled away slowly. She smiled gratefully, picked up her bag and left.
"Pacey, you do realize that the only reason you're still in employment at my firm is because of the revenue you brought in from the Branden works, right?"
"Yes, I do."
"I'm sorry for all that has happened to you but you have to get back to work soon."
"Give me another week."
"Pacey, it's been five weeks."
"One more week, David. I promise. And then I'll fly my butt back to New York."
"Just one more," his boss reluctantly agreed.
From across the street, she pushed her sunglasses further up the bridge of her nose and stepped aside from the middle of the curb to give way to the pedestrians behind her. She had just been to see a client and was getting back to the office when she caught sight of the crowd outside the restaurant and was distracted.
Watching out for oncoming traffic, she quickly crossed to the other side and slowly walked up to the front of the line.
"You got a reservation, ma'am?"
She shook her head at the waiter and smiled her thanks. Behind her dark shades, her eyes told a different sentiment as she sadly reminisced about those days that they had worked together on the place. On a professional level, she was extremely proud of her work. On a personal one, she was far from feeling the same at how she handled the situation.
She rounded the corner and walked straight into someone. Her briefcase went flying out of her hand.
"I am so sorry," the man apologized and hurriedly bent to pick up the documents that had fallen out of the leather bag.
She beamed instead. "Greg?"
He looked up, squinting at the sun in his eyes. "Joey," he chuckled.
She bent to help him and they quickly gathered the papers strewn on the ground before someone stepped on them or the wind blew them away.
He handed a pile over to her and she put it together with the one she had and dumped them into the briefcase.
He waited for her to straighten before asking, "Headed back to the office?"
"Yeah," she said, clasping her bag shut. "And you?"
"I'm meeting someone for lunch."
"In that case, I shouldn't take up any more of your time."
"It's okay," he insisted. "She called to say she'll be late." He glanced at his watch. "What do you say to a quick drink and chat at the bar?"
She really had no reason to turn him down. "Sure."
"Come on then, I've got a reservation." He led her back to where she had come from.
"You made reservations here?"
"My friend loves the food." His eyes brightened. "And the décor's great."
She smiled in response.
*****
"So the hospital in Philadelphia wants me in charge of their ER and I'm considering it."
"That's great. Isn't it?"
He shrugged. "I don't know. Except for college, I've been here my whole life. I would hate to leave this place."
She raised her brow. "And?" she probed.
"What 'and'?"
"I sense an 'and'."
"And," he gave in, "I met this girl."
She was truly happy to hear that. "The one you're meeting?"
He nodded. "Her name's Gwen. She's a lawyer."
Joey couldn't help laughing. "I can't imagine you with a lawyer."
"Neither could I," he grinned. "But she's great." His voice drifted off but the spark remained in his eyes. "We've only been out a couple of times but I like her. A lot."
"Does she know about Philly?"
"That's why I arranged to meet her for lunch." The corners of his mouth dropped to a slight frown. "Do you think this is crazy, feeling like that about someone you've only just met and how prepared you are to give up the job of a lifetime for her?"
"Greg, if I've learned anything over the last fifteen years of my life, it's that time doesn't warrant a place when it comes to feeling a certain way about someone. It could take you six weeks or six years to find love but when you do, it can also be taken away from you in a second."
He held her gaze for a long moment. "Can I ask you a question?"
"Yes."
"What was it that caused you and Pacey to break up that first time?"
She hesitated. "Things were just impossible. Andie and Dawson-"
"I know what you told me," he gently interrupted. "But it's not what I'm hearing." He leaned in nearer to her. "We're still friends, right?"
"Of course," she replied softly.
"And friends tell each other what they honestly think, don't they?"
Her gaze fell.
"Those years ago, you made the decision on your own to leave him because you felt it would be the best for everyone that way. But it wasn't. Not for him, not for you."
"I didn't know what else to do."
"And that's alright, Joey. It isn't always about knowing what to do but it is about fairness."
"Fairness?"
"You've made the decision again to leave because somehow you think he'd be better off without you but you're not being fair to yourself. Love is a gift but it isn't always about selflessness. It's given to you but you'll have to grab on to it tightly to keep it."
She lifted her hand to cover her face.
"Let him make the choices this time, Joey."
He reached for her hand and she held on to it. Her lashes were wet when her eyes fluttered open. "I didn't deserve you," she lamented.
"My grandmother hates you." She let out a quiet cry of embarrassment in response to what he said. "But hey, given another chance, I would still have wanted to be here for you."
She reached to embrace him. "Thank you for forgiving me," she whispered.
They pulled apart and he squeezed her hands reassuringly. He gave her a napkin and she started to wipe her tears away. He looked over her shoulder and his face lit up. "Come on," he said, "I want you to meet Gwen."
Gwen was a lovely light brown-haired woman with big, kind green eyes and an engaging smile that reflected for him, undoubtedly, the exact emotions Greg felt for her.
She left and walked out of the restaurant. As she looked back at them for the last time before rounding the corner again, a smile drifted across her face.
"I'm sorry, Miss Potter. Mr. Witter hasn't been to the office for nearly six weeks now."
"I really need to see him. Is there someone he might have spoken to recently?"
"Well, I suppose he would have called Mr. Jameson. He's in a meeting but just one moment, I'll let his secretary know that you're here."
She fidgeted uncomfortably as the receptionist announced her presence to the other party over the intercom. She decided to make a trip to his office in favor of a simple phone call for fear that he might leave if she gave him notice of her coming over before she had a chance to say what she needed to say.
"One second, Miss Potter. Mr. Jameson will be right with you."
She paced a couple more times before she was met by the latter at the front desk.
"Joey, it's been a long time. What can I do for you?"
"I'm sorry for just dropping by like this but I need to know where Pacey is."
Jameson frowned. "I don't think I'm going to be able to help you there. All I know is that he promised he'd be back by Monday. Maybe you could-"
"It'll be too late," she said, her tone almost desperate. "Thank you anyway."
*****
"I went to his office but he wasn't there and then I called your Mom and she said that he had already left -"
"Joey, slow down."
"Ashley, did he tell you where he was going?"
"As a matter of fact, he did. He was supposed to be onboard a flight last night but he said something about changing his plans. He was going to make a detour and take the scenic view. If any of this makes sense to you. He mentioned renting a car and was leaving first light the next day. I couldn't quite hear him with the noise in the background."
She deliberated over what she had just been told.
"Is there something I should know about?"
"How far is it from the airport to Boston?"
"Hmm, five or six hours I guess."
"And then it'll take him another hour," Joey mumbled. She glanced up at the clock in her office and mentally calculated the time she had left. She could still catch him up.
"I've got to run. There's something I should have done a long time ago."
"Wh-"
"I'm going after him, Ashley."
The smile in the latter's voice was visible as she spoke. "Good luck, Joey."
*****
"Okay, the cab will be here in two minutes."
Joey was throwing together days' worth of clothing and necessities together into makeshift luggage in a record time as her roommate kept talking.
"And Grace called to say that she got you a first class seat on the 12:30 out to Boston. Get the ticket at the airline service counter when you reach LaGuardia."
She hurried out of the room, tagged behind by Daphne who nearly fell over when she turned around suddenly.
"What would I do without you?" Joey said, hugging her.
"I'm used to running frantically around on my days off anyway." Daphne held her friend's face in her hands. "You go do what you have to do."
"Wish me luck."
"Luck."
The sound of the car door shutting was heightened by the quiet by which he was surrounded. He closed his eyes, took several deep breaths and allowed the breeze to wash over his face. He could smell the sunshine and the green grass. He could hear the birds and the wind singing softly in his ear. And the house still stood proudly as it did having weathered years of changes.
He made his way in the direction of the reason he was here, glad that it seemed the place's beauty was yet unknown and untouched by the masses.
[Yay though we venture through
The Valley of the stars
You and all your jewelry
And my bleeding heart]
In his mind, he saw her laughing as he tackled her to the ground.
[Who couldn't be together
And who could not be apart]
He recalled the way she smiled at him that tugged at his heart as he leaned down to kiss her.
[We should've jumped out
Of that airplane after all
Flying skyways overhead
It wasn't hard to fall]
I feel nothing for you, she had said. He could never forget the day she made up her mind to end what little they had with these five words.
[And I had so many crashes
That I couldn't feel
At all…]
And he was reminded of the day he saw her again and learned that she was soon to be married…Goodbye, Joey, he had said. And she had left.
[And it feels
Like I'm seventeen again
Feels like I'm seventeen]
He spotted the tree and stopped. He remained standing where he was as though afraid that his weak resolve wouldn't allow him to simply be satisfied with what he came for once he got it. It would make it impossible for him to climb back out if he should fall into the metaphorical hole he had been so careful to tread around.
He turned around to leave. Paused. And then he turned back.
What the hell, he thought. He caught partial sight of the plaque hidden beneath grass and his gaze fell onto the large rock not far from the tree. He moved it aside and fell to his knees, ready to remove the dirt with his hands. But as he surveyed the area closer, he realized that it looked like the spot had been freshly dug.
He felt a tremor go through him. It was as if his heart intuitively knew of her presence even before it registered through his senses.
Behind him, she had appeared. "You can't have those beads."
He slowly stood up, his back still to her.
"They were given to me by someone I love very much."
He imagined that he had to be dreaming; the apparition continued to speak.
"On the way here, I must have played this scene at least a hundred times in my head. I would walk up to you and tell you that my future is my past-"
He finally turned around.
"-that I loved you then and I love you now.
She moved toward him, leaving a distance of about five feet between them. " It would be entirely up to you to make the decision. I just had to tell you the truth."
He stared at her, not a flicker of emotion on his face.
Her initial courage faded and her hands shook even more as she accepted her defeat. Crestfallen, she answered softly to his non-verbal response, "Okay." She turned to go but was stopped by his hoarse voice.
"You've played this scene in your head a hundred times." He closed the rest of the distance that separated them. Threading his fingers through her hair, he framed her face between his hands. "Tell me how it ends."
She choked back a sob. "I would try to walk away if you said no but I know I would come running back, hoping you'd say yes."
"Yes," he whispered.
Her tears started to fall fast. "And I would start crying," she managed to say before her voice was quivering too much to speak.
"And I would kiss you," he continued, leaning forward, gently planting one on her lips. "And tell you I never stopped loving you."
She could barely bite back a cry of relief as she buried her face in his neck and wetted it with her tears in the process. He bore her weight with his hands wound around her waist and rested his cheek lightly on the side of her head, his own eyes wet. "I love you," he kept saying as though he was trying to assure himself that she was real.
Pacey.
He heard the shadow calling his name. He muttered something unintelligible and faded back into darkness until a sudden light blinded him. He groaned in protest and reached over for another pillow to cover his face with.
Sighing, she moved away from the drapery and went to sit by him on the bed. "Honey," she said, shaking him.
He relented and removed the pillow, taking a peek with one eye closed. The other eye opened at the pretty picture she painted with her thigh against his and her robe coming loose.
"Now that's a mighty fine woman." He grinned sleepily. "I was just dreaming about you."
Joey shook her head, laughing. "Come on," she urged. She managed to pull him halfway up by his arm but then she lost her grip when he used his other arm to tug at her. She fell on top of him and they landed back on the bed with a thud and she chuckled. She managed to wipe the smirk off his face when she leaned in closer and kissed him, occupying his thoughts for a good twenty seconds.
"Hmm," he said when they finally pulled apart.
"Honey, we don't want to be late."
He was spared from protesting about having inadequate sleep from working late the night before by footsteps running into their bedroom.
"Daddy!"
Their small bundle of joy in pajamas climbed up to the bed and jumped right on top of them.
He got the wind slightly knocked out of him. "Whoa, how's my girl this morning?"
His four-and-a-half-year-old daughter giggled excitedly, her hands waving in the air. "Mommy says we're going to see Allison and Peter today." At the mention of the last name, she giggled some more and turned slightly red.
He raised a questioning eyebrow at his wife.
"Our daughter's got a little crush on Jen's son," she said into his ear.
"Mommy!" came the childish cry, objecting at the revelation of her secret.
He laughed. "Okay Mandy, go get changed and we can leave soon."
Amanda gave her father a peck and scuttled off the bed and ran off to her room, eager to be ready so that they could get to Peter's house as soon as possible.
"Is it me," he asked smiling widely, "or does it seem like kids are getting crushes much earlier these days?"
She smiled back.
"I mean, I didn't even get my first crush until I met you. And I was what, nine?"
"Mommmmy! Dadddddy!"
They exchanged amused looks at their daughter's eagerness to get them out of the house and Pacey reluctantly obliged, taking Joey's hand as she pulled him to his feet.
*****
It took them slightly over two hours to drive to Connecticut. They weren't the first to arrive - Dawson had flown in from San Diego the night before and had been an overnight guest at Jen's.
Amanda was out of the car the minute her father stopped it. The twins were waiting for her to play in the garden.
Dawson met them halfway in the driveway and grabbed them both in an embrace. "I want you guys to meet Annabelle once we get back," he said, as they made their way to the house. "I think she could be the one."
"Dawson, are you sure this time?" Joey kidded.
He gaped at her. "Josephine Po -Witter," he corrected, "was that a deliberate joke about old times?"
Pacey chortled.
"Come on, Dawson, you know you've been saying that about every other woman you've stuck with for more than two months at a time," Joey continued, completely amused. Jen appeared at the doorway and she left them behind to go greet her.
"You know D, I've never figured you for a ladies' man."
"And Pace, I never figured you'd end up marrying the girl of my dreams," he retorted.
They stared at each other and broke into smiles simultaneously.
"Come on," Dawson said, putting his arm around his other best friend.
Jack and Andie arrived an hour later, exhausted but happy to be there. Joey was afraid that things would be awkward between Andie, Pacey and herself, especially since the last time they heard from her was just before they got married. Andie's job as a book editor had prevented her from being at the wedding as she had to be in London but she called them the minute she got to her hotel.
"Congratulations. You may not believe it but I really wanted to be there."
"I know, Andie."
"You're a lucky girl, Joey."
"Yes, I am." He was standing not far from her. She removed her fingers from the tangled telephone coil and reached for his fingers, squeezing them. He squeezed hers back.
"Have a wonderful time tomorrow. You're going to make a beautiful bride."
"Thank you."
That was the last conversation they shared in six years. Now seeing her again, Joey didn't know quite how to react. But Andie took care of that.
"Joey," she said, wrapping her arms around her warmly. She did the same to Pacey and he returned her gesture affectionately. "McPhee, what have you been up to?"
And at that moment, she became the Andie they knew so well. She jumped back excitedly and waved her hand in the air.
"I got married last week!"
"What?" they asked in unison.
"I had been dating this author for nearly a year and last weekend, I went to Las Vegas to see him on his book tour. He proposed to me and I said yes. It was the most impulsive thing I'd ever done!"
"It's the only impulsive thing you've ever done," Jack said, coming up from behind her.
Andie boxed him in the arm playfully.
Jack was currently single after a two-year relationship that soured and ended last summer when he came home early from work one day and walked in on his lover with another man. "I'm staying off serious relationships for awhile," he had told them.
"Did you two get in together?" Dawson asked.
"We arranged it so that our flights would arrive more or less the same time," Jack explained. "Saved me from paying the cab fare."
Andie rolled her eyes.
*****
While the kids ran all over the place with a couple of the neighbors' children, the adults sat outdoors around a big table filled with food, talking and reminiscing about old times and newer ones. The hours got later and the sky got darker. Pretty soon, the children were yawning.
Amanda was sharing the room with Allison for the night and she lay ready for bedtime beneath the covers whilst waiting for her parents to tuck her in.
Pacey kissed her forehead. "Goodnight, baby."
"Goodnight, Daddy."
"Goodnight, sweetie," Joey said, kissing her and bringing the blanket up to her chin.
"Goodnight, Mommy."
Jen had just tucked her daughter in and was on her way to her son's room to do the same. Henry had done it the other way round and now sat by Allison, with a book open on his lap.
"You guys go ahead. I'll just read the girls a story and I'll be right down."
They nodded and left him to enchant the children.
"Not bad for a banker," Pacey joked.
"You're not so bad yourself," she said, leaning her head on his shoulder and holding on to his waist as they made their way downstairs. "I love you," she mumbled.
"Love you, too," he replied.
The rest of them had already started a fire outside and was surrounding it, passing around hot cups of cocoa to keep warm.
"It's been a great day," Andie quipped. Pacey and Joey joined them and was soon followed by Jen.
"Henry's just enthralling the girls with his storytelling skills," she said.
And they came to be together, like they had so many years ago. They sat, smiling at each other, remembering what it was like to be sixteen, to be pulled apart by differing ideals but bonded in spirit by the magic of youth.
"We may have gone separate ways, down different paths but every now and then, we'll meet again somewhere in between." Dawson raised his mug in a toast. "Here's to us."
"Ditto that," Jack echoed and everyone raised their cups to one another's in a salute to a long-lasting friendship.