Sweet Surrender by: Lauren

Authors Note: No, I'm not the real virtual eyes… I'm just pretending for my story. (LOL) Also, this journal entry goes up to the episode Secrets and Lies. This is the first entry and their should bemore… I hope.


Sweet Surrender
It doesn't mean much, it doesn't mean anything at all
the life I left behind me is a cold room,
I've crossed the last line from where a can't return
Where every step I took in faith betrayed me from home
Sweet, sweet surrender is all I have to give
You take me in, no questions asked
You strip away the ugliness that surrounds me,
Are you and angel, am I already gone
I only hope that I won't disappoint you when I'm
down here on my knees
I don't understand, by the touch of your hand
I would be the one to fall, I miss the little things
Oh I miss everything, it doesn't mean much,
it doesn't mean anything at all, the life I left
behind me is a cold room


Hey guys, Virtual Eyes here… I have a treat for you. Miss McPhee's latest lovely journal entry I have decided to share with all of you…Enjoy!


Dear Journal,

I look back on everything now and I scare myself. Before Tim died we were all happy. Then Tim died and everything fell apart. I'm not myself anymore. It's like ever since I went to Mayfield I became a new person. I don't like this new person, but if I'm not this way I fall apart. I'm so different I scare myself. It's weird--I miss myself. Last year everything was beginning to get better then all of a sudden I began to see Tim. Oh Tim, I miss Tim. Sometimes, I wonder if it would of been better if I chose him. I wouldn't of hurt Pacey. Pacey... just saying his name makes my heart hurt. He was so sweet, he made me feel special... he was like my angel. I didn't mean to hurt him... I'm a horrible person... he waited for me... I've done so many stupid things like pull that stunt about Rob. Andie! What is wrong with you! If I just chose Tim...It was just Marc... Marc was there. He told me he would take care of me better than Pacey could of, or even Tim. I... I was weak and not in my right mind. Even now I'm not in my right mind. I go out there and put on this fake persona. It's not me… who am I? Oh I'm so sorry Pacey. Please don't hate me. Sometimes I wonder if that was really Tim... if I wasn't hallucinating. I mean it could of been his spirit and it could of really been him telling me to go with him. I wish Tim would come back. I'd choose him now. I'm so confused. I don't deserve to be here. I hurt too many people. Pacey was great to me and I hurt him, it makes me want to hurt myself. I'm so stupid. I don't know who I am anymore. Sometimes no I think irrationally and later I curse myself for it. It never happened before. I don't think I'm "cured". I was better before. If I only chose Tim... I wouldn't of hurt so many people. If only I chose Tim... what am I going to do. I can't make everything go back to the way it was. I don't know how to stop this "new Andie" from rearing its ugly head. All I know is it isn't me. It's funny I "turn back" to myself or like I remember myself last year when I'm alone in my room. I'm disgusted with myself. I know I'm not completely better because I think of taking my own life. It would end so much hurt in people and in myself. Mayfield did more harm than good. It took everything away… it took away my mind. Now I'm a new person. A mean person. A person I hate, but I can't stop myself. I'm sorry...


This is where the journal entry ended and there were tear drops on the paper. Oh Boo Hoo! I hope to give you lovely people so more info on "psychotic Andie" later. I hope you enjoyed! :o)
~Virtual Eyes~


Email Lauren


Back to Lauren's Stories | Back to Fan Fiction | Back to the Main Page

This page has been visited times.