Daddy by: Becci


Author's Notes: Hi all. After writing 'If You Had My Love' a few days ago, I decided that I like this form of writing. This effort is named after a song by Jewel. It's on her album 'Pieces of You', which isn't as good as 'Spirit', but worth buying. This is my first posted attempt at an 'Other Relationship' story. I have another, but I'm gonna write a few bits before posting. This concentrates on Joey's relationship with her father. To please Meaghan, this may be more than a few parts long.

My bones are tired, Daddy
I don't get enough sleep
I don't eat as good as I could, Daddy
What's that say about me?

Joey collapsed into her seat, exhausted, but happy to be home. Whatever home was. She was 26 now, but she hadn't had a home since she was thirteen, since her mother died, and her father cheated on them. Still, she was glad she could relax. The journey to Providence, the day's emotional wrangles, and then the journey back home had all taken their toll on her. Familiar pangs of hunger went ignored as always. She couldn't remember when she'd had her last meal. It was probably about a week ago. Snacks and drinks had sustained her since then, but she didn't have the energy to break the circle. Back here in New York, she lived a hectic and unhealthy life. Today was the first day she'd had off work since... since she started working there three years ago.

She knew that she buried herself with work to prevent worrying about other factors. Like her father. Or Dawson Leery. Her friend had been shocked at her appearance when she had turned up for his wedding today. It was the first time in a year that they'd met. She'd lost about two stone since the last time, and he was obviously concerned. But his expression turned to one of joy as he got married, and then to love as he and his wife had their first dance, followed by one of happiness as he left for his honeymoon, leaving her behind in the dance hall.

Sometimes I sleep past noon, Daddy
Drink lots of black coffee and I smoke like a chimney
Yes, I left the refrigerator door half-open, Daddy
What's that say about me?

Joey lit a cigarette, and took a deep drag before reaching for the coffee she'd bought from a local Starbucks before coming home. She remembered the fight she'd had with her father nine months ago, the day after Dawson's invitation came through the post. She'd been furious with her father, and betrayed by Dawson.

It was her father's fault that it wasn't her getting married to Dawson. She'd pictured the wedding so many times in her head, but she'd never been able to ask Dawson to take her back.

Well, apart from that time that she'd been drunk, and thrown herself at him. She was still embarrassed by the memory of his disgusted face as he threw her off.

It had been too late - he was dating Helen, the woman he'd married earlier that day. And that was a year ago, the last time she'd seen him before today. It was her father's fault - her loyalty to him when she was 16 had led her to break Dawson's heart at the same time as her own.

Sometimes I want to rip your throat out of your neck, Daddy
For all those things you said that were mean
Gonna make you just as vulnerable as I was, Daddy
What's that say about me?

The anger that she'd felt at him for betraying her the second time had remained bottled inside her until that visit nine months ago. She'd let him know exactly how hurt she'd been by his confession that he was dealing again.

At the time, she'd let all her anger at him and herself manifest itself in Dawson. She'd told him she didn't want to know him anymore. Despite the immediate feeling of satisfaction - she thought she'd removed the part of her life that caused the pain - she soon fell into a pit of loneliness. Her sister, her single member of family remaining, had blanked her.

Dawson, her rock, had been broken hearted. He'd gone to Philadelphia that summer without saying goodbye. When he returned, he wrote her a letter telling her that he wanted one more chance. He asked her to meet him at the ruins if she ever wanted him back. She hadn't turned up, so he'd accepted his loss. She couldn't do that.

She'd told all this to her father, who had listened patiently. Then Joey told him that he was to blame. She'd said that now she'd faced her hatred towards him, she didn't want to know him anymore. He'd ruined her one chance for happiness. Throughout her childhood, she's loved him, despite his actions, and her declarations to the otherwise. And he'd let that love down by dealing again. And by letting Dawson tell the police.

If she'd been warned beforehand, she could have accepted that it wasn't Dawson's fault. If Mr. Leery had struck a bargain with the police, she could have forgiven him. But he hadn't. And she couldn't. She'd cried as she told him that she hated him for failing her. She hated him for making her live the life she did know. His actions had robbed her of happiness in her childhood, and love as an adult.

Sometimes I want to bash in your teeth, Daddy
Gonna use your tongue as a stamp
Gonna rip your heart out the way you did mine, Daddy
Go ahead and psychoanalyse that

For the first time in her memory, her father had shouted at her. He'd said cruel things that he no doubt regretted. He'd fought against her accusations, and put the blame on her for her failures. He'd blamed her pride and stubbornness as being the reason for her not taking Dawson back. He used all her flaws against her, and reprimanded her for blaming him. He'd called her childish for not being able to accept the blame. Or at least share it. He told her that he was ashamed of her. She may not have been proud of him, but he had lost respect for her, too. He'd told her that, unless she changed herself, she would be lonely for the rest of her life - no one would want to be around her. And what hurt the most was that he told her he didn't want her visiting anymore. He'd made mistakes, but he wasn't willing to pay for them for the rest of his life. He didn't like the person she had become.

Cause I'm your creation, I'm your love, Daddy
Grew up to be and do all the sick things you said I'd do
Well last night I saw you sneak out of your window
With your white hood, Daddy
What's that say about you?
Joey knew that he was partially true - she pushed everyone away, and would end up alone. But it was due to him. His actions had made her defensive. His actions had shattered her frail trust in mankind, in God and most of all, in herself. Her failures reflected on him. Just as she had been frowned on for his illegal activities, he would have to pay for her mistakes. The fact that Dawson was married to someone else meant that she'd have to pay for hers forever.

I'm sloppy, what's that say about you?
I'm messy, what's that say about you?
My bones are tired, Daddy.

Joey felt bitter. She was 26, and she hated herself. No one loved her anymore. She didn't like herself. Why would anyone else? She needed to change.

I'd really like feedback on this one, people. It's different to my other work, so I can't assess its success on my own.


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