Pairing: D/J

Disclaimer: I'm not associated in any way with Dawson's Creek. Also I don't own the song "Vivire Y Morire," which is by Enrique Iglesias.

A lo mejor no te has dado ni cuenta
De que tu y yo no somos como ayer
A lo mejor es que tienes miedo
De que me vaya yo no me vuelva a ver

Pero tienes que dejarme marchar
Hay otra vida que me espera mas alla
Y si la suerte la llevo detras
No te preocupes que no voy a cambiar. Vivire y Morire- Enrique Iglesias

Desire

Joey watched Dawson, who sat at a table across the crowded cafeteria, animatedly talk with Jen. He had that excited look that he always had when thinking of a new idea for one of his movies. His eyes sparkled as he laughed at something Jen said. Joey sighed inwardly. Dawson seemed to be an ever diminishing factor in her life. They no longer ate lunch together, no movie nights, and every single conversation had that awkwardness about it. He had once been the all consuming point in her life but now he was...What was he? Her former best friend-ex-boyfriend-true love. True love, her mind lingered on those two words; they weren't sufficient enough to express her complex feelings toward Dawson. She did love him, that was a fact not to be disputed; but before that love had been an obsession as she had watched his tortured, tumultuous relationship with Jen. Now it seemed to have changed in an unexplainable way, with strange, new emotions mixed in.

Dawson, now after their breakup, seemed to try to be the best friend he promised her he would always be. On the scattered occasions he talked to her he tried to show his support of her art, her job at the Ice House, her schoolwork...but the line seemed to be drawn at Jack. The talks were inane, having absolutely no depth. He never asked her how she was really feeling and she never asked him, that would be dangerous ground to tread. But beyond all the superficial stuff she could see how he really felt toward her. That ever so subtle tightening of his jaw and that blank look that came into his eyes. The way his voice would have traces of hurt and anger when they even came close to discussing the circumstances that led to their breakup. She knew that if she didn't tread lightly on what they talked about, he would blow up at her. But part of her was beginning not to care, they needed to talk, they needed to get beyond this.

Joey languidly let her eyes drift from Dawson to Jen. A strong animosity sprang to life within her as her face filled with contempt for the blond- headed girl sitting next to Dawson. The Joey Replacement. Joey both hated and admired Jen, but the hate outweighed the latter. She hated Jen for how easily she seemed to have filled the gap in Dawson's life where Joey used to be. One minute she was going downhill, about to turn into the slut of Capeside; the next minute she was Dawson's co-director and new best friend. True, Joey did turn Dawson down for being co-director because of her new "art classes" or in other words because she felt uncomfortable with him. But how could Jen have taken over her place as Dawson's best friend?

"Joey," Jack shyly smiled at her as he waved his hand in front of her face.

"Huh? Oh, sorry," Joey sheepishly smiled at Jack as she snapped out of her reverie. Had he seen her staring at Dawson? She quickly glanced at Dawson and Jen's table but found it empty.

Following the direction of her gaze Jack asked, "What were you staring at?"

"Nothing," Joey then changed the subject, "Come on, sit down. I have this new painting I drew for art class and I thought you might want to see it."

"Sure," he said as he sat down, placing the food-laden cafeteria tray upon the table. Joey reached down and took her art portfolio from her backpack. She flipped it open to a drawing that was a beautiful rendition of the heat lightning they had watched on their "dat."

Jack instantly went into artist mode, "I knew you could draw, this proves it." He took the art portfolio from Joey, his hand lingering on hers for a second too long.

Joey tuned out as Jack exclaimed over her drawing. She absently wondered if he knew what it signified. As she had drawn it the night before Joey had put all of her talent into the drawing, but she had felt so utterly detached, it was entirely unlike that passionate emotion she had felt when drawing Dawson. With this she might as well have been drawing a book or something. But she had wanted to show Jack that she remembered their "dat." After all, he was becoming a good friend/boyfriend.

"Joey do you want to go on another "dat"?" he asked, suddenly looking up from the drawing.

"What? Oh," she then smiled flirtatiously at him, "yes I want to go on a date with you." Then she let her mind drift away again as Jack began another long analyzation of art.

***

Dawson saw Joey staring at him, her gaze unwavering. He felt uncomfortable under her piercing stare and turned slightly red. Then Jen said something and he turned his thoughts from Joey.

"Dawson. Your script is just a rehash of our relationship and the relationship you had with Joey. Honestly, you need to add something to it so that your characters will resemble normal teenagers. They should have strong and weak points. Here you took your past life experiences, put on rose colored glasses, and changed everything around so that its what you wished you had down. Your main character is you, of course, but what you've down is make him make all the right decisions and have taken out all his failures so that he looks like "perfect teenager who was unfairly hurt." Well, guess what, nobody's perfect and despite how cliched that is, it's true. What you need your character to do is something spontaneous and resemble real life with all the pain and hardship we get from any important decision." Suddenly she laughed, "Ok. I need to catch my breath after all that talking."

Dawson laughed with her. After having gone through countless similar sessions with her he had learned not to angst over her critiques. But if any one else unfavorably judged his work he would stupidly get angry for no reason.

"It's ok, Jen. I've gotten used to this. Anyway, I know I can expect the truth from you no matter how much it hurts."

"Yeah...but I now I've been blunt, to say the least, in my tearing apart of your script," Jen said.

"Well, at least my scripts have gotten better. Do you want to come over on Saturday and work on it some more?"

Jen smiled, "I'd like that. Come on, let's go." She got up and picked up her stuff.

Dawson picked up his script and backpack and followed Jen. Halfway across the cafeteria he stopped and glanced at Joey. His face turned dark. Joey was smiling at Jack who stood with a tray in his hands. He swiftly turned his back on them and caught up with Jen at the door.

Jen had been a lifesaver for him in the last couple of weeks. After that night when she had stayed at his dad's house she had stopped her descent into a future of drinking and sex. Now they spent a lot of time together working on his script, talking; all the things he used to do with Joey. Before times together had been filled with sexual overtones, but now they had settled into a comfortable friendship. She filled the gaping hole in his life where Joey had been. She could never be Joey but she could be the friend he needed to get through this.

Jen had helped him realize that he would and could be the "friend" Joey wanted. He could try to push aside all his feelings for her and be there for her as he had always promised. Not that she seemed to need him or even want him around. Jen had also made him realize that everyone wasn't set on hurting him. As his dad had said, everyone was not out to get him. That knowledge, as small as it was, had helped him attempt to understand Joey's decision to break up with him.

It was Jen that kept him sane as he had watched his relationship with Joey become all but nonexistent and as he had watched the final phases of his parent's ultimate separation. Jen kept him afloat, she was all he had left to keep him from drowning.

***

Several weeks later...

Movie Tryouts!
Actors and actresses wanted
for the undertaking of available
roles for the new upcoming
movie by Dawson Leery.

Joey crumpled the colorful announcement in her hand with great viciousness as she stood outside Capeside High. Little Miss Efficient, otherwise known as Jen was showing everyone that she was better at co-directing than Joey. Another point for Jen Lindley.

"I see you've found out our desperate need for actors," the voice came from behind Joey. Startled, she quickly spun around to face Dawson. He gave her a friendly smile with just a hint of tenseness behind it.

"Yeah. Dawson, you guys seem to be really working hard at this," she fakely smiled at him, trying to be friendly. She felt uncomfortable under Dawson's scrutinizing gaze. Joey attempted a conversation, she had said that she wanted to be friends with him. "Jen is really going all out for this."

Dawson's eyes lit up and Joey felt jealousy streak through her. "Jen's great! She's made all these fliers and posters. And she's been critiquing my script in that terribly honest way she has. But its drastically improved. Also, she's been such a good friend, helping me through my parent's separation..." he stopped in mid-sentence as he saw the unhappy look on Joey's face. Lamely he concluded, "She's a good friend."

"Dawson, well it seems she's been a big help. But don't you thinks it's odd how she started backsliding and now she's little Miss Perfect? I mean, what's in this for her?"

Dawson first look confused, then annoyance crept across his face. He attempted to keep it out of his voice as he said, "Joey. Jen's just a friend. Why do you keep judging her? It's not as if we were involved or anything. All that's in the past." He decided to get a jab in, "Besides, it's not as if you've spent the last several weeks by yourself. You have Jack."

Joey ignored the last part of what he said, "Why should I care about what goes between you and Jen, Dawson?" Then she attempted a friendly smile, realizing that if their conversation continued it would become a full fledged argument. "Well, it's been nice talking to you. I'll see you around."

She walked away from him, not waiting for his reply. Then she turned, wanting to get a last look at his face, and waved at him. He smiled and waved back at her.

As Joey headed towards home she sighed. It was one thing to watch Dawson, but talking to him was something entirely different. Even though he didn't mean to, he shoved into her face the fact that Jen had taken over her place. Also, she had badly wanted to kiss him, to fall into her old place as his girlfriend. But no. After all, she needed "space." Space. Who the hell was she fooling? If she had wanted space why was she falling into the role of Jack's girlfriend. Their last date had ended with him kissing her passionately, his hands running up and down her back sensuously. But, despite wanting to, Joey had felt nothing as she had instinctively kissed him back. She had closed her eyes and pretended that Dawson was kissing her, that Dawson had his arms around her...

"Joey. Hey," Jack fell in step with her. Joey realized that she was blushing, here she was fantasizing about Dawson when she was with Jack. She felt guilty, Jack was a good friend and if it weren't for Dawson a guy she could fall in love with. He deserved someone who could love him wholeheartedly, without strings attached.

"Hey Jack," she smiled at him. "What are you doing here?"

"I was looking for you. I wanted to ask if you want to go to this new art gallery I have tickets for. I heard they're displaying a collection of Monet's and some Van Gough's." Now after their first few dates he was bold about asking her to go out with him.

"Yeah. I'll go. But first you have to promise me that you won't analyze every painting. I've already had a lifetime's worth of analyzation." She paused, catching sight of Dawson, and suddenly took Jack's hand. Joey made sure that Dawson saw this, then Jack stopped, grabbed her by the shoulders, and kissed her. Joey responded passionately, throwing herself into his arms, running her hands through his hair as she kissed him. She closed her eyes and pretended Jack was Dawson. Then shame and self-hatred came pouring into her. She couldn't believe that she was doing this, using Jack so blatantly. This was not her.

Joey tore herself out of Jack's grasp. He was breathing heavily.

"What was that?" he managed to ask.

She back away from him, "I'm sorry." Then she turned and fled from him. She fled from that person that person she had turned into for a moment, a Joey who was manipulative and like all those girls whom she hated. Hot tears flooded into her eyes and she angrily wiped them away.

***

Dawson stared after Joey, not believing what he had seen. He had been walking home when he had passed by Joey and Jack. When Joey had caught sight of him she had taken Jack's hand. Then Jack had kissed her and she had...she had. Damn! His hands balled up into fists as he remembered the steamy scene he had witnessed. Joey had really looked into it while Jack had kissed her.

Then Dawson frowned, Joey had tried to make him jealous...and it had worked. He couldn't believe that she would do something so manipulative. Apparently, she couldn't either, because she had fled from Jack with that terrible look of self-disgust and self-hatred evident on her face.

What was going on with her? First she dumped him, now she was trying to make him jealous? As the days passed Joey was becoming more and more of a stranger to him. The Joey he had loved and treasured was slowly disappearing. It seemed as if "finding herself" was actually the murder of the old Joey so this new person could take over.

In his mind he went over some of the changes in Joey he had seen in the last couple of months. The new art obsession, not unlike his obsession with movies. He knew that he hadn't been supportive of it at first and he regretted that, but at the time he hadn't realized how much she enjoyed art until she started fighting with him and became distant. Another thing that happened was her kissing Jack and her reaction to his fury when he had found out. She had realized what she had done was wrong but then she had gotten mad at him, told him she needed to find herself, broke up with him, and then said she loved him. After that their friendship had disintegrated and she changed further. She would tell him white lies so that his mind would be set at ease. Even though she had said that she "reserved the truth for him," it seemed as if that was only when they were best friends.

Dawson concluded that he would still try to be friends with Joey and would support her despite her changes. He had promised her that. And although he wished she would see what her "finding herself" was doing to her, he would try to keep out of it as she had demanded. He knew that he would always love her but he had to move on...

What did you think of it? Bad? Good? Please email me with whatever thoughts or feelings you have on it.

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